For those who are interested, I have just released the first part of my new MK2K story, Making the Cut. The whole thing has been plotted out, scene-by-scene, and now I'll be posting the chapters on the wiki as I write them. Feedback is, of course, always welcomed and greatly appreciated. :)
Decent.
“Oh,” she said.
This line threw me, because it seems so out of sync with type of reaction I'd expect or would have myself. Could just be how Abbey is, but it does seem strange.
I'm left unsure whether Victor is the good guy or the bad guy.
“I don’t know why we should,” she said, her emerald green eyes glittering with pride and amusement. “They played to the best of their ability. We can hardly feel guilty for being better than they are.”
bah! Fiona's worse than elf. :)
I knew a lot of the names sounded familiar when I start reading the sports section. Didn't place them till you actually mentioned the word psi though.
So far the thing that jumps out the most at me is the effect putting a human face on Dan. It's surprising how fast a flat account of history from the characters section can take on emotional depth in a few paragraphs. Suddenly its more than unfortunate, its tragic the way this vibrant perfectly good identity will be cast aside by constrained choice.
“Oh,” she said.
This line threw me, because it seems so out of sync with type of reaction I'd expect or would have myself. Could just be how Abbey is, but it does seem strange.
Hmm. Yes, the reaction is supposed to be a bit odd, as is everything else about her. The effect I was going for is "The bottom just fell out from under me and I don't have the emotional tools to process how I feel about it." Abbey's not the sort of kid who would panic, or scream, or break down in tears; she's just had a sudden realization that makes everything else that happened make sense, in a world-shattering sort of way. It's a combination of understanding, being crestfallen, and going into shock.
Would it work better if it were like this?
"…oh," she said.
I'm left unsure whether Victor is the good guy or the bad guy.
Good. ;)
bah! Fiona's worse than elf. :)
There are some similarities, yes. :)
So far the thing that jumps out the most at me is the effect putting a human face on Dan. It's surprising how fast a flat account of history from the characters section can take on emotional depth in a few paragraphs. Suddenly its more than unfortunate, its tragic the way this vibrant perfectly good identity will be cast aside by constrained choice.
Cool. I'm glad to hear that I've succeeded in making an emotional connection this early in the game. It's a tricky business when you have this many characters to introduce in one chapter. As for Daniel's story arc, all I can say is hang on to your seat, 'cause I think it's going to be a heck of a ride. :)
"…oh," she said. is better.
Thanks! I've made the change.
Though maybe also "she murmured" or "she whispered" ?
Hmm. After considering it, I decided to stick with "she said." Because Abbey is a young girl, I tried to keep the words as short and simple as possible when writing from her viewpoint. "Whisper" wasn't accurate, because she wasn't whispering when she said it, and "murmur" is a more sophisticated word than Abbey would know. I wanted the end of that scene to have the strongest impact possible, and smaller words are usually better for that.
Chapter one is now completed — and it comes out to about 8200 words, all told. Twelve chapters to go … yep, this is gonna be a book, all right. :)
Very nice. :) The mind merge depiction for the group prior to Dan's test was great, as were many of the details such as the unified breath.Spookies indeed :)
I don't know why I should be surprised, he told himself. I could never even start a link without touching somebody, except once in a while with Rebecca.
You might want to find a way around using italics for thought speaking to one self in a large section where it is used to denote thinking out loud. Perhaps something like 'He didn't know why he was surprised. He could never event start a link etc.'
Anyway, the latter half of the chapter came off even better than the first. Strong emotional evocations and easy identification with the characters, keep it up.
The first part of Chapter Two is up. Enjoy!
Another great chapter. I believe I have faint memories stirring of how Victor turns out. Though the end does not necessarily taint the beginning I guess, it does tip the suspicion meter. I didn't expect the time to advance as much it did in between chapters, but it certainly works to do so.
Abbey's ability to pass on knowledge in the fashion she did in the dojo makes her much more powerful than I had believed based on her appearances in other stories. Especially to an orgnanization dedicated to building an army like the Collective.
Looking forward to more :)
I believe I have faint memories stirring of how Victor turns out. Though the end does not necessarily taint the beginning I guess, it does tip the suspicion meter.
Heheheh. :)
Abbey's ability to pass on knowledge in the fashion she did in the dojo makes her much more powerful than I had believed based on her appearances in other stories.
<nods> Yes, at this point she's a lot younger and a lot more innocent. Once consequence of that is that she's more reckless with her powers. The Abbey we met in Troubled Minds has the benefit of perspective, and she understands the need for subtlety — especially when she's working among mundanes, as she was in that story.
Looking forward to more :)
Glad to hear it! The rest of Chapter Two is now up for your reading pleasure. :)
So far so good. The meeting was much less sinister on the surface than I had anticipated which was a welcome relief. Allows us to maintain the illusion that things might work out for Dan. Was a pleasant surprise to see Callie worked into the situation :) The vent escape route struck me as bordering on irrational paranoia, but I suppose the revealed potential of what is being delivered justifies it.
Also blindsiding me was the adversarial situation you've created between Dan and his old friends. Promises to be very interesting as it seems unlikely that they won't discover each other's identities in some fashion given the presence of telepathy and signature psi abilities like Brian's.
The circumstances surrounding the cargo do indeed look suspicious, though I strongly suspect it's nothing quite so serious. Brian's reluctance to take on the mission serves well to highlight the difference of opinion, and level of individuality that can still exist in the Collective.
I will also point out that it is rather cruel to post a piece that stops just before the action :P
Heh — yeah, I apologize for leaving you guys hanging there. I had a couple of days where I didn't have any time to do any writing, but I wanted to make sure you had what I was able to give you. Glad to see that I've managed to put in a few twists that surprised you; I think there will be a few more before the story is done. :)
Part two of Chapter Four is up. I think I'm actually going to call that the end of chapter four, and make the rest of it into a separate chapter. It's at about 4800 words right now, which is a good chapter length, and if I go to what I had actually planned as the end of chapter four it will probably be about twice that long (at least).
I guess Fiona really was holding back during the skyball game earlier.
A showdown in the vents isn't likely to be a pretty occurence.
The fact that I don't know that Del and Trace survive makes the next chapter ominous indeed.
Next!
I guess Fiona really was holding back during the skyball game earlier.
A showdown in the vents isn't likely to be a pretty occurence.
Heheh — you're right there, on both counts.
The fact that I don't know that Del and Trace survive makes the next chapter ominous indeed.
<evil author laugh #2>
Just put up the next piece of chapter five — another 1300 words or so. I realize we're sort of creeping toward the big set piece here, but I'm confident it will all flow just fine when people can read it in one go instead of seeing each day's work as I finish it.
On a completely different note, I love writing Cockney-esque slang. :-D
A fully closed back end with retractable doors would have added weight and complexity to the design, and for the low speeds and short distances its job required that simply wasn't a cost-effective tradeoff.
Mages can read minds if they know the right spells," he said, keeping his voice as low as possible over the engine noise. "Vamps can influence you if your walls aren't up. We don't know who else is coming after this thing, so don't chance it."
The crew chief cursed vehemently and began shouting at his employees, berating them for their failure to properly balance the cargo.
Keep it up :)
Sounds supiciously like a plot device to me :P
A fair criticism, but in my defense I'll point out that there are real-life examples of the same kind of trade-off. Pickup trucks, for instance, are normally sold without caps; forklifts do not brace their cargo from all sides; biplanes and other early aircraft did not have fully-enclosed cockpits; and flatbed railroad cars and tractor-trailers hold on to their cargo solely through the use of ties and cables. People will often skimp on safety if they can save enough money and/or effort.
I do confess it feels like a bit of a cheat, but I'm not going to try to fix it in the first draft. Let me know if you have any better ideas after you read the entire chapter. :)
Sounds like Victor is offering up BS to me :)
Thereby proving that true statements are not incompatible with B.S. :-D
EDIT: The next part of Chapter Five is now up! Things are starting to get ugly, folks…
Most of Chapter Six is now up; the rest will probably be finished tomorrow. It was necessary to begin a new wiki page starting with this chapter; apparently the files can only get to a certain size before Wikidot starts to choke on any attempts at editing them. ^_^
Part 2 of Chapter Six is up. There will be one more piece in this chapter, but it will take more time to write than I have tonight; hopefully I can get to it tomorrow. This chapter is already at 5400 words, so it will be a little longer than my target length, but probably not more than 8000. I might break it up into two chapters when it's finished, if the two halves appear to be of roughly equal lengths.
To those who have stuck with me thus far, thank you! I hope you're enjoying the ride. :)
Ah, well the predicted blood has been shed. Normally I get up in arms about character deaths, but these two seemed slated for it early enough that I knew not to attach myself. It's also hard to get too indignant about it since technically they were the agressors and had already killed two people themselves as far as they knew. Which is not to say Victor is cleared given that his actual motive was revenge, but he could have just as easily offed them as part of business.
You continue to do a good job exploring what I consider to be the rather alien mind set of the Collective. The reach to each other for emotions, the paranoid us vs them mentality, etc.
I was curious to see how Callie was going to take on someone as powerful as Fiona. Was nice work assuming she doesn't have to clean up any evidence as far as the ritual magic in the other store rooms goes.
Daniel was indeed convincing in his interrogation and fairly reasonable in his assessment of the fallout.
Certainly enjoying the ride from the reader's seat. Have to admit to being intimidated from the author's seat. Kind of makes the 1-4k shorts I like to put together look a little shabby in comparison :)
Normally I get up in arms about character deaths, but these two seemed slated for it early enough that I knew not to attach myself. It's also hard to get too indignant about it since technically they were the agressors and had already killed two people themselves as far as they knew.
Good point. That might not have been the best choice for me to make, in retrospect; I do want Del and Trace to be sympathetic, even if they are a bit morally gray. I'll have to take a look at it during the editing process and see if I can make their deaths weigh a little more heavily on the reader's mind. I'm not going to worry about it right now, though; editing of that sort is best done after the writing is finished.
You continue to do a good job exploring what I consider to be the rather alien mind set of the Collective. The reach to each other for emotions, the paranoid us vs them mentality, etc.
Cool. It is a very unusual society, so the challenge for me is to show the strangeness of it while making the characters understandable enough to sympathize with. Let me know if I ever start veering too far in one direction or the other. :)
Was nice work assuming she doesn't have to clean up any evidence as far as the ritual magic in the other store rooms goes.
<nods> It wasn't shown on screen, since it's not something Daniel would have needed to know about, but Eva used her insider connections to make sure that the spell-traps were cleaned up quietly. The traps weren't anywhere near where the murders occurred, so Eva's assistants had time to dispose of the materials without the cops noticing.
Certainly enjoying the ride from the reader's seat. Have to admit to being intimidated from the author's seat. Kind of makes the 1-4k shorts I like to put together look a little shabby in comparison :)
Hey, I've written plenty of those myself. :) Just tell the stories at the length that they need to be, and don't worry about how big they are. I don't expect to stop writing shorts just because this story is turning out to be a novel.
The rest of Chapter Six is now up. Sorry it took longer than usual; my grandparents came into town on Friday, so it's been a busy weekend up until now….
No prob on the delay.
I was curious how Victor was going to keep this sort of thing a secret from a community of mind readers. Especially given that Abbey will have full access to his mind if all goes well for him. I like the way the fall guy fits in with the Collective's problem dealing with psi's without telepathic abilities.
Struck me as unnecessarily for the vamp to actually be waiting in the appartment while one of the Elders was there, though obviously its convenient from a scene transition standpoint.
About halfway done assuming evenly distributed content, keep it up :)
Sorry for the delay, folks — the first ~3000 words of Chapter Seven are now up. This section came out only with great difficulty for me, probably because I had only plotted it out in the broadest strokes. I'm hopeful that the next few sections should move a bit more quickly.
Chapter Eight is now up. I moved the funeral scene from the end of Chapter Seven to the beginning of Chapter Eight in order to even out the length of those two chapters.
The painting Rebecca was putting together was a pretty powerful section. Very vivid.
Dan predictably does the right thing even as the rest of the Collective continues to act like a bunch of jackasses. I'm somewhat surprised his friends didn't actually try to do what Dan claimed they did.
Glad to hear Evan voice the things I've been thinking about the Collective with regards to the us vs. them mentality, and the fact that the first people to die at the spaceport were norms. Dan's initial shock aside, the very act of considering the plan shows a great deal about how Metamor City's concept of gender is somewhat off-kilter from a real world equivalent.
Keep it up :)
The painting Rebecca was putting together was a pretty powerful section. Very vivid.
Thanks! I'm glad it worked.
Dan predictably does the right thing even as the rest of the Collective continues to act like a bunch of jackasses. I'm somewhat surprised his friends didn't actually try to do what Dan claimed they did.
Brian et al. would certainly have chipped in financially if they'd had the resources to do so. I'll probably make mention later of their efforts in that direction. The problem they have right now is that they are in deep sh*t with the Hive themselves for botching that mission, as we'll see when the viewpoint swings back to them in Chapter Ten. Organizing such an effort among other members of the Hive would be seen as defying the Hive's discipline, which could further endanger the status of their breeding cell. As for others in the Hive chipping in to help … well, let's just say that Daniel's telling Jo a little white lie when it comes to Del having a lot of friends. He might have been likable enough, but there aren't many people in the Hive who would stick out their necks for his sake, particularly when he and his wife were part of a religion that basically would castigate them all as a bunch of sinners.
Also, keep in mind the Hive's perspective in this: they're perfectly willing to welcome Josephine back into the Collective and provide whatever she needs, as long as she gives up (what they see as) her wrong-headed and divisive ideas about polyamory. Giving her the financial wherewithal to continue to keep her child outside the fold would be condoning bad behavior and working counter to their own purposes. Josephine is, to their minds, the black sheep who ran away from home and joined a cult; they're more than willing to help her out now that she's in trouble, but she has to admit she was wrong and come home so that they can protect her. Their hard-heartedness about the issue stems from their utter incomprehension of why monogamy is so important to her; as with most religious matters, it's an emotional issue rather than a logical one, and it runs counter to the Hive's sense of pragmatism.
So yes, they're being jerks, but they do mean well. :)
Glad to hear Evan voice the things I've been thinking about the Collective with regards to the us vs. them mentality, and the fact that the first people to die at the spaceport were norms.
<nods> Evan's really the first character I've had in the story who could give an outsider's viewpoint on the Collective. I have to thank you again for your comments here, because they helped me to recognize which issues and concerns the audience had which Evan would need to give voice to.
Dan's initial shock aside, the very act of considering the plan shows a great deal about how Metamor City's concept of gender is somewhat off-kilter from a real world equivalent.
Indeed! But when androgynes make up one-fifth of the population, is it any wonder that they have a more fluid perspective on such things? :) Part of the fun of writing spec-fic is that you do get to portray these societies that don't necessarily think the same way that we do. I'm still trying to figure out how a child of androgynes would refer to his/her mom and dad, though. :)
Keep it up :)
Working on it! I'm now on page 110, with 49,464 words. I've lost virtually all of my "cushion" on my 1000-words-per-day target, but fortunately I have all Wednesday to build it back up again. :)
Well, that was interesting. Things did go well, and I still don't have the rest of it done. :) This scene is turning out to be longer than I expected. I got about 3200 words down today, though, so I'm calling that a win even if I didn't finish the chapter.
Okay, the rest of Chapter Nine is up! It's funny how a page and a half of notes can grow to something like 7000 words when you actually have to write it. :)
Danni's "sexy dance" was written while listening to an actual song, which I will be using as the background music during the podcast version of the story. The song is, appropriately enough, "Psi," by the band Technetium™. Jared's chagak number is based on "One Tribe - Saskia Nation theme", by HatHead. Other songs that inspired this chapter are "Charisma" and "Parallax," both by uGene. You can find all of these songs at The Podsafe Music Network.
No new writing on the novel tonight. I was struck with the inspiration for another story — a medieval dark fantasy story, not in MK2K or any other existing setting — and I spent the evening writing out my outline for it, to the tune of almost 3300 words. Now that I've gotten those ideas out into text, I should be able to focus on writing this story again.
This new one is gonna rock when I get around to writing it, though. :) It's called The Blood God's Gift, and that's all I'm going to say for now…
Blood God's seldom grant gifts per se.
I'm going to skip out on comments for chapter 9, as neither the club-scene nor the erotic are genres that I'm particularly fond of. The writing seemed ok, but I'm not the best judge of such things.
Going back to the Chapter 8 comments and looking forward to the Chapter 10 ones, I'm not sure 'jerk' is a strong enough word for the Collective. When people risk their lives to do something for you, you do not punish them. Especially when you had to blackmail them into it in the first place, and extra especially when the die for you.
Blood God's seldom grant gifts per se.
Which is why it's a dark fantasy. ;-)
I'm going to skip out on comments for chapter 9, as neither the club-scene nor the erotic are genres that I'm particularly fond of. The writing seemed ok, but I'm not the best judge of such things.
Fair enough. I can't expect to float everyone's boat all the time. :) Just help me keep an eye out for plot holes, contradictions and logical inconsistencies, and I'll be more than grateful.
I'm not sure 'jerk' is a strong enough word for the Collective. When people risk their lives to do something for you, you do not punish them. Especially when you had to blackmail them into it in the first place, and extra especially when the die for you.
I agree. Unfortunately, history has taught us that people are often notably uncharitable to those who fail in war, particularly those who fail as spectacularly as Brian's team did. Being unable to get the package was bad enough, but on top of that they nearly exposed the Hive to police scrutiny. Just look at how Vietnam War veterans were treated in the U.S. for a good 10+ years after the war ended…
