Double Trouble (Audio Drama)

Double Trouble

SCENE 1. INT. SOMMERS CELL APARTMENT, METAMOR CITY.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Hi there! Welcome to Metamor City, where everyone is welcome and anything is possible — or maybe it's the other way around.

REBECCA

(calling across the apartment)

Danni! Did you feed the babies yet?

DANNI

(calling back)

I thought it was your turn!

REBECCA

Dane cleared me out an hour ago. I'm dry!

DANNI

Damn! That kid must be an egoist. He sure has Fiona's appetite. All right, give me five minutes.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Take the Sommers Cell, for instance. One and a half men, three and a half women, four children and counting.

SFX: A BABY SCREAMS in the background.

REBECCA

(sounding harried)

I don't think you've got five minutes, sweetie!

DANNI

All right! All right!

(muttering)

One milk cow to the rescue…

DANIEL

(V.O.)

That's Danni, the aforementioned half-woman: tall, blue-eyed, brown-skinned, drop-dead gorgeous, and with a fifty percent time-share on our body. I'm her alter-ego, Daniel — also known as the sane half.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Oh, please. Sane? You're the guy who took the Curse and made us this way.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

It worked out, didn't it?

DANNI

(V.O.)

Says you. You're not the one hauling these udders around.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Don't mind my sister. She's just cranky 'cause the kids got her up last night.

DANNI

(V.O.)

I swear I'm going to get a pump and make YOU feed them.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

ANYway — we had some rough patches getting here, and some days it's a little crazy—

DANNI

(V.O.)

With four kids under two, sanity wasn't really an option on the table.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

—but we've got a good life here. And since we cleared up that mess with our crazy ex-mentor, things have actually been pretty quiet.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Except for the screaming children.

SFX: Baby CRIES AGAIN, LOUDLY.

DANNI

I'm COMING, dammit!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

After handling revenge-crazy telepaths and vampire crime lords, the parenting life seemed downright peaceful.

DANNI

(V.O.)

SAYS YOU!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

But this is Metamor City, and if there's one thing you can count on around here, it's change. Especially when you don't want it.

SFX: Doorbell RINGS.

DANNI

Becca! Can you get the door? My hands are full here!

REBECCA

On it!

SFX: Door OPENS.

Rebecca OPENS THE DOOR to reveal EVAN SELINDI, the handsome, dapper androgyne runner. Evan speaks with a POLISHED BRITISH ACCENT, except when he's pretending to be one of his many alter-egos.

EVAN

(sultry)

Well. Hello there, Rebecca. Aren't you looking lovely this evening!

REBECCA

(flattered and a little flustered)

H-hey, Evan. Good to see you.

DANNI

(from other room)

Evan! Stop hitting on my wife!

EVAN

(teasing)

Jealous, Danni? I thought you telepaths had evolved beyond such base human emotions.

DANNI

It's not jealousy, Captain Conquest — it's for your safety. Rebecca: telepath! Look, don't touch, remember?

EVAN

(sighing)

So you keep reminding me. More's the pity. Becca, darling, may I come in? I have some business to discuss with your overly-protective housemate.

REBECCA

Of course. Please, come in. Can I getcha anything?

EVAN

Tea would be lovely, dear. Milk, no sugar.

REBECCA

Comin' right up. Danni's in the nursery.

EVAN

So I gathered.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

I met Evan a few years ago, when I got wrapped up in an ugly bit of business with the vampire syndicate. I made a few bad decisions—-

DANNI

(V.O.)

That's my brother's way of saying he screwed the pooch.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

—-BUT making friends with Evan wasn't one of them. He's a runner, which is Metamor-lingo for a sort of freelance spy. Sometimes that's a really good sort of person to have on your side.

DANNI

(V.O.)

And sometimes, they come looking for favors. This is what we call "trouble."

EVAN

Hello, Danni! Ah— and, ah, small persons, whom I've, er, apparently interrupted during feeding time. My apologies.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Honestly, you'd think he'd never seen a nursing mother before.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Evan gets nervous around babies. Not like—

SFX: Evan TRANSFORMS into Eva.

EVA

(cooing)

Awww! Well, hellooo, little darlings!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

—HIS alter-ego, Eva. Did I mention Evan's an androgyne like us?

DANNI

(V.O.)

No, but I think they got that now.

EVA

Look at you, you precious little things! Aren't you the sweetest little babies I've ever seen? Yes you are!

DANNI

(dryly)

Stick around, they sit up and do tricks, too.

EVA

(as if noticing Danni for the first time since walking in)

Oh! Sorry, lovey, guess I got a bit carried away there. How ARE you?

(PAUSE)

DANNI

(deadpan)

Moooooooo.

EVA

(laughing)

I can imagine! Goodness, they're hungry little things, aren't they?

DANNI

Tell me something I don't know.

EVA

As it happens, darling, that's exactly why I'm here. I've the most extraordinary opportunity for you!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

For future reference, when a runner tells you they have an "opportunity" for you, RUN.

DANNI

Really? What kind of opportunity?

EVA

Well … does the name Sternikova mean anything to you?

DANNI

It's a clothing company, right? You had some shoes with that name on them.

EVA

Yes, exactly! Yulia Sternikova is one of the world's top designers of spellcrafted clothing. That dress I loaned you when you first became an androgyne was a Sternikova.

DANNI

Oh! Cool. So what's the opportunity?

EVA

Well! Ms. Sternikova is putting together a new fashion show right here in Metamor City. It features a new set of designs specially made for androgynes and other shapeshifters.

DANNI

(impressed)

Ooh, nice.

REBECCA

(coming in from off-stage, excited)

Did somebody say Sternikova? Sternikova's coming here?

EVA

Yes, dearie. I take it you're a fan?

REBECCA

Oh gods, she's amazing. The way she uses colors and textures, just for starters — oh, I wish I could go!

DANNI

Well, why don't you? Brian, Abbey and Fi could watch the kids for a night. We could make it a date!

REBECCA

Danni, sweetie, you can't just BUY TICKETS to a Sternikova show. They're by invitation only!

EVA

Exactly. So, how would you like an invitation?

REBECCA

Wha-huh?

EVA

I can get you tickets to the show.

DANNI

(suspiciously)

Really? How'd you manage that, Eva?

EVA

Evan's covering the show for Swap Magazine. I have a pass for an assistant photographer, and I know you have a good eye for the camera, Rebecca.

REBECCA

Oooh. Ooh, yes. Yes please! But wait, what about Danni?

EVA

Well, that's the other thing. One of Sternikova's models broke her ankle last night, and she's looking for a replacement.

REBECCA

Don't they have alternates lined up for that sorta thing?

EVA

This isn't the first accident they've had. The alternate pool is getting thin. And given that the average runway model is one seventy-eight or taller, there just aren't a lot of women who are eligible.

DANNI

Wait, wait wait. You want ME to be a fashion model? In an actual show? With one of the biggest designers in the world?

EVA

Why not? You're tall, you're gorgeous, and your coloration's unusual enough to be memorable. Sternikova likes that in her models.

DANNI

Yeah, but — but I'd have no idea what I'm doing!

(PAUSE)

EVA

(speaking slowly, as if to a stupid child)

Danni, love … you walk to the end of the runway, turn around, and walk back. It's not thaumaturgy.

REBECCA

Oh, you have to do it, Danni! It'll be so much fun. And there will be pictures of you wearing Sternikova's latest fashions! How many people can say that?

DANNI

(slowly)

Yeah, okay. Sure! Why not?

EVA

That's the spirit, my dear. I'll pick you both up tomorrow night.

REBECCA

(squeals)

Eee! This is so exciting! I need to figure out what I'm going to wear!

Rebecca EXITS.

EVA

Well, she's certainly on board with this.

DANNI

(cool and calm)

Yes, she is. Shut the door, would you? I want to talk to Evan for a minute.

EVA

Um, all right. He's not really comfortable with the little ones, though.

SFX: Door SHUTS.

DANNI

Tell him to deal with it. They won't bite. Well, they won't bite HIM, anyway.

EVA

Very well. (COOING AGAIN) See you later, you little darlings.

SFX: Eva TRANSFORMS into Evan.

EVAN

(sighing)

All right, Danni. What seems to be the trouble?

DANNI

That's what I want to know.

EVAN

Pardon?

DANNI

Come on, Evan. There are millions of androgynes in Metamor City. MOST of them are drop-dead gorgeous. Why would they need ME, of all people, to fill in for this show?

EVAN

You're the best talent we could find on short notice. And Eva thought you would enjoy it.

DANNI

And…? I may not be much of a telepath, Evan, but I know you. You don't do FAVORS for people like Sternikova. You're expecting to get something out of this, and I want to know what it is.

EVAN

(momentarily at a loss for words)

… May I ask why I'm getting this interrogation, instead of Eva?

DANNI

You have a harder time lying to me. Spill it.

EVAN

(sighs)

All right. I want you in the show because I need someone back-stage.

DANNI

To do what?

EVAN

Retrieving a data stick from a dead-drop. It's hidden inside one of the statues they're using to decorate the green room. The press aren't allowed back there.

DANNI

Kind of a stupid place for a dead-drop, isn't it?

EVAN

Yes, well, it used to be in Barnhardt Tower, but the Count was overcome with a fit of remodeling. He got rid of the statue before my contact could recover the data. It took us days to figure out where it had gone.

DANNI

And now you need to get it back before somebody else finds it?

EVAN

Precisely. The information on that stick is very sensitive. It could cause a lot of trouble for several of my clients if it got out.

(PAUSE)

DANNI

You remember what happened the LAST time we helped you with a mission, right?

EVAN

Danni, I'm not asking you to smuggle packages for the vampires this time. I'm not even asking you to do anything illegal! Just get the data stick, walk the runway a few times, and you're done.

DANNI

What kind of payment are you getting for this job?

EVAN

(sourly)

Nothing. This is all about covering my arse. Please, Danni. I'm asking you as a friend. Help me.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

We should have known better. Evan IS a con artist, after all.

DANNI

(V.O.)

But he's also our friend. And so, against my better judgment, I found myself meeting later that night with Yulia Sternikova.

SCENE 2. INT. YULIA STERNIKOVA'S OFFICE, METAMOR CITY. EVENING.

YULIA STERNIKOVA is a tough, gruff, middle-aged woman who has worked her way up from poverty to the top of her profession. She does not suffer fools — at all — and she has the arrogance of one who is very good at her job and has no one around her who would dare to question her decisions. DANNI and EVA enter the Sternikova offices as preparations are being made for tomorrow's show.
Sternikova speaks in a SLAVIC ACCENT, which reflects her Vysehrad ancestry.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Sternikova's office sat on the highest of Metamor City's four layers of skyways. Evan said she'd started in some little backwater town in the southeast corner of the Empire, but she'd moved up in the world — figuratively and literally. And listen, maybe you call me sensitive—

DANNI

(V.O.)

Which you are—

DANIEL

(V.O.)

—but I think she'd let it go to her head.

Sternikova is YELLING at SUSAN, one of her assistants.

STERNIKOVA

NYET! Completely unacceptable! [RUSSIAN: Болкани к чёрту! (Bol-ka-ni k chyor-too/To the devil with these thugs-blockheads!)] These… [sarcastic] gentlemen… they think they tell ME where to have show? ME? [RUSSIAN: Как они смеют?!? (Kak oh-nee smay-yout/How dare they?!?)]

SUSAN

There … there was some concern about liabilities. In case of a-accident…

STERNIKOVA

Accident?! Pah! Have we not had more than our share of "accident" already? But no. Skyship is perfect: Off the ground, steel all around. You will tell them. You will make this so, Susan. Go! Spend what you must. Bribe whom you must. Time presses. Go!

SUSAN

Y-yes, Ms. Sternikova.

Susan RUNS OFF, as Eva and Danni enter.

EVA

I hope we're not interrupting anything, Yulia.

STERNIKOVA

Eva! For you, I make time. Lovely to see you, my dear.

Eva and Sternikova exchange AIR KISSES to either side of each other's faces.

EVA

And you! And I've brought you a surprise.

STERNIKOVA

(noticing Danni)

[RUSSIAN: Боже мой! (Bo-zhe moy/My god!] So I see! I thought I knew every model in this city, but you, my dear, you are something new, yes?

DANNI

About four years old, more or less.

EVA

Danni, Ms. Yulia Sternikova. Ms. Sternikova, this is my friend and fellow androgyne, Danni Sharabi.

DANNI

(a little nervous)

How do you do.
STERNIKOVA

Androgyne, you say? You have brought me a wonderful surprise, Eva. This one will be a model in my show, yes?

DANNI

That's why I'm here.

STERNIKOVA

[RUSSIAN: Наконец, депо в шпапе! (Na-kony-etz, deloh v shlyap-ye/Finally, the matter is in the hat! Note: this is an idiom for "everything is good/all is in order/everything is solved")] Excellent! We must fit you for clothing immediately. Bianca!
BIANCA, another of Sternikova's assistants, ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT.

BIANCA

Yes, Ms. Sternikova?

STERNIKOVA

This one. Androgyne. Take her and fit her for show.

BIANCA

Right away, ma'am. If you'll follow me, miss?

EVA

Go on. I've some business to see to, but I'll be back to check on you in an hour or so.

DANNI

(uncertain)

Uh, all right…

EVA

Chin up, dear. You'll be fine! Have fun!

Eva EXITS, waving casually over her shoulder.

SCENE 3. INT. FITTING ROOMS, STERNIKOVA OFFICE.

DANNI

(V.O.)

I spent the next two hours getting poked, prodded, measured and test-fitted by Sternikova's assistants. By the time they were done, I'm pretty sure they knew my body better than my doctor does.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

And then they had ME take over, and they did the same thing all over again for our male body. Funny thing, I don't remember promising that I would walk down any runways — but this isn't exactly the first time Danni made a promise she expected me to help her keep…

DANNI

(V.O.)

Are you ever gonna forgive me for that?

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Forgive, yes. Forget, no.

DANNI

(V.O. — suddenly realized)

Oh! Tell them about that thing Bianca said to you!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Oh, right! Bianca was the one doing most of the work for our fitting, and I was trying to make small talk with her…

BIANCA

Gods' sake, would you stop fidgeting? I've worked on twelve-year-olds who were less antsy than you.

DANIEL

I'm sorry! I'm tired, bored and hungry.

BIANCA

Psh. You'd better get used to that in a hurry, if you want to keep modeling.

DANIEL

I don't! This is a one-time thing to help out a friend. I don't really even know why Sternikova needs us so badly. There's got to be a thousand people better qualified, in this city alone.

BIANCA

Well, if you want the truth…

DANIEL

(feelingly)

Always.

BIANCA

(Gives him a you're-a-weirdo look, then continues)

The boss is a little bit paranoid right now. She thinks somebody's trying to sabotage the show.

DANIEL

(warily)

Really. Does she know who?

BIANCA

If she does, she hasn't told me. But she's got a bunch of weird requests, and she won't work with anybody who doesn't come personally recommended by somebody she trusts. Which narrows down the field a lot.

DANIEL

I guess I can see that. Do you think there's anything to it, or is this just paranoia?

BIANCA

Well, we've had ten models incapacitated in the last two months, and all of them were for this show. Does that sound like coincidence to you?

DANIEL

(V.O.)

What it sounded like to me was that I was in over my head again … and once again, Evan was to blame for it.
DANNI

(V.O.)

We decided to have a little talk with him about it.

SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE STERNIKOVA OFFICE.

EVAN

Ahh, hello again, Danni! How did everything go with —ack!

Danni grabs Evan and puts him into a martial arts head and arm lock.

DANNI

(sweetly venomous)

Hello, Evan!

EVAN

(gasps)

Ow.

DANNI

What have you gotten us into this time?!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

My sister's been brushing up on her Practical Combat Arts training. I'm so proud of her.

EVAN

(in pain)

Gah! I'm q-quite sure I don't know w-what you're talking about!

DANNI

Sabotage in the show? Ten models injured in the last two months? Don't tell me you didn't know about this!

EVAN

Ow! All right! All right! I … may have heard something about it, yes. Now will you please let me go?

DANNI

Fine.

Danni RELEASES Evan.

EVAN

(gasps)

Gods, you're strong. … And, apparently, I'm incredibly turned on right now. How embarrassing.

DANNI

Don't change the subject. Why didn't you warn us about it?

EVAN

Because I don't think it's sabotage! Danni, you have to understand. Yulia Sternikova's a lovely woman with amazing taste and keen business sense, but she's still a provincial rube. She has all these odd little superstitions that pop out at the strangest times. After a while you learn to ignore them.

DANNI

And what about the injured models?

EVAN

There was nothing to tie any of them to each other!

DANNI

Except the show. (UNSPOKEN: "You dumbass.")

EVAN

Nothing to tie the injuries to each other. One twisted an ankle coming off the bus; one fell off a horse; one has chicken pox, for gods' sake. This is hardly the stuff of conspiracies, Danni.

DANNI

What about a curse on the production?

EVAN

A curse? Come on, Danni. A curse that effective would be bloody expensive to do. Not to mention highly illegal.

DANNI

But it could be done. Has anyone looked into it?

EVAN

Knowing Yulia, she's probably had about twelve different blessings and exorcisms done by now. Honestly, Danni, I really don't think this is worth worrying about. If anybody does try to sabotage the show, I'm sure Rebecca's talent will warn us in plenty of time. Why do you think I wanted her along?

DANNI

I thought you didn't believe it was sabotage.

EVAN

I don't. But I didn't live this long by being stupid, either. And if there is trouble, I can't think of two people I'd rather have there to help me face it. Please?

DANIEL

(V.O.)

It was obvious flattery, really. But we've always had a soft spot for Evan.

DANNI

(V.O.)

And he's so cute when he begs.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

So, conspiracy or not, we stuck with the plan, and the next night, we were on a shuttle to the skyship Valemar, home of the first annual Sternikova Transfiguration Expo.

SCENE 5. INT./EXT. BOARDING THE SKYSHIP VALEMAR. EVENING.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

I've been aboard skyships before, and they've always made me a little nervous. I mean, come on: it's a hunk of metal and plastic the size of an office building, and it's just … hanging up there in the sky, like a god's party balloon. Ships aren't supposed to do that.

DANNI

(V.O.)

We have to admit, though: If you want to throw a party in Metamor City, doing it on a skyship gives you one hell of a view.

SFX: CROWD MURMURING, WITH SOME MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

REBECCA

(awestruck)

Oh, Eli! Would you look at this place?

DANNI

(impressed)

Oh, I'm looking.

REBECCA

Look at those ice sculptures! (GASPS) Look at the dessert tables! Is … is that a chocolate river?

DANNI

(laughing)

Looks like it. Gods, look at how deep it is! That's insane. We could dip our whole bodies in there and it would take two days to lick it off.

(PAUSE)

REBECCA

(very aroused and embarrassed)

Um … I need to go to the ladies' now. Be back soon…

DANNI

(calling after her)

Uh, okay. See you later, sweetie! (MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Now, where in the hells is Evan?

EVAN

(calling across the room in a loud, VERY campy voice)

Oh, Danni! There you are, you sweet thing. I've been looking all over for you!

Evan FLOUNCES into the room in full-bore Flaming Gay Mode. The refined British accent is nowhere in sight, and neither is any shred of self-consciousness. Milk this for all it's worth, Tee.

DANNI

(confused)

Evan?

EVAN

Come here, you saucy little minx! ("AIR KISSES") Mwah! Mwah! So good to see you!

DANNI

(trying to keep up appearances for the crowd)

Um, yeah, hi … ("AIR KISSES") Mwah. Mwah.

EVAN

Look at you! That dress is FA-BULOUS! I love it!

DANNI

(muttering, still confused)

Well, yeah. I mean, it's yours—

EVAN

(talking over her)

I'm SO glad you decided to take my advice. I told you to stick with jewel tones, didn't I, sweetie? Pastels are just lovely on some people, but you are made to sparkle!

DANNI

(affronted)

I don't sparkle! Gods, Evan, what's gotten into you?

EVAN

(laughing)

Oh, Danni, you silly, silly girl. I just have to hug you now.

DANNI

Oof!

EVAN

(in his BRITISH ACCENT, quickly, under his breath)

Evan Tyler is a fashion reporter for Swap Magazine. He's loud, funny, queerer than a handbag full of rainbows, and completely harmless. It's called a cover, Danni. Don't blow it, please…

DANNI

(under her breath)

What good is a cover if you're making everybody stare at you?

EVAN

(under his breath)

It's a diversion, you twit. Now get to work! They're waiting for you in the green room.

Evan PULLS AWAY from Danni and RESUMES HIS CAMP GAY PERSONA.

EVAN

Well, I'd love to chat more, but I know Sternikova needs you in back. We'll catch up after the show, okay, sweetie?

DANNI

Yeah, sure. Uh … see you later!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

There are a lot of top-notch actors in Metamor City. But as the ladies' man Evan Selindi flounced around the fashion show that evening, he made them all look like a bunch of amateurs.

DANNI

(V.O.)

But even that wasn't the strangest thing we saw that night.

SCENE 6. INT. SKYSHIP VALEMAR, GREEN ROOM.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Getting the data stick was easy. The statue was right where Evan said it would be. I didn't even have any trouble finding the hidden compartment. I pulled the stick out of there and stuffed it in my purse when no one was looking.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

All we had to do now was get through the show.

STERNIKOVA

All right! Everyone listen! (CLAPS TWICE) All is ready, and we begin showing first collection in twenty minutes. Melissa, Christina, Cherie, Sven, you are first string. Go now. Susan, check fit. Carolyn, check makeup. Go.

SUSAN

On our way, boss.

Susan EXITS.

STERNIKOVA

Danni, Jess, Dawn, Michael, you are second string. After first string is dressed, you go, yes?

DANNI

No problem, Ms. Sternikova.

STERNIKOVA

Rest of you are third string. Each string will go twice, then we have intermission before showing ready-to-wear collection. Any questions?

ALL MODELS

No ma'am.

STERNIKOVA

Good! Then carry on.

EXIT ALL except Danni. ENTER the novice Lightbringer Agent JESSUP.

DANNI

(V.O.)

So there I was, waiting for my group to go to the dressing room, when I hear somebody bumping around by the controls for the stage lighting.

JESSUP

(muttering under his breath)

Ow! Dammit!

DANNI

(confrontational)

Hey! What are you doing back there?

JESSUP

Oh, crap…

SFX: Running footsteps

DANNI

Oh, no you don't! Get back here!

Danni CHASES after Jessup and tackles him to the floor.

JESSUP

Oof! Ow!

DANNI

Gotcha!

JESSUP

Agh! Let go! Get off me!

DANNI

(straining with exertion as she holds him down)

I don't think so, buddy. Who are you? Why are you sneaking around back here?

JESSUP

(indignant)

I'm an officer of the law! I'm on an investigation!

DANNI

Pssh. Right. You? What are you, nineteen?

JESSUP

Twenty-three, if you must know! Look, my badge is in my back pocket if you don't believe me.

DANNI

We'll see about this…

Danni takes the badge out of Jessup's pocket and looks at it.

DANNI

(snickers)

Agent Clyde Jessup? Who'd you piss off to get that name?

JESSUP

Hey, shut up! Clyde was my grandpa's name!

DANNI

(still amused)

Sure, sure. So, CLYDE, it says here that you're a Lightbringer. This your first assignment after training or something?

JESSUP

No! (PAUSE) (MUTTERING) It's my second.

DANNI

(snerks)

I had no idea Janus was so interested in fashion. Or is Ms. Sternikova a vampire in disguise or something?

JESSUP

It's not like that! Look, just let me up, okay? I'm trying to help here.

DANNI

Help who? And how?

JESSUP

Everybody here! Look, I think this show is cursed, and I need to stop it.

(PAUSE)

DANNI

You serious? There really is a curse?

JESSUP

I think so, yes!

DANNI

How can you tell? What have you found?

JESSUP

Let me up and maybe I'll tell you.

DANNI

Fine. Jerk.

Danni RELEASES Jessup; Jessup GASPS.

DANNI

Now spill it.

JESSUP

All right. I don't know if you've heard, but there's been a lot of bad luck around this show. People connected to it—

DANNI

Yeah, yeah, I know. Injuries, illnesses, inconveniences, one after another. Is it true that Sternikova asked for an exorcism?

JESSUP

She asked for three: the Ecclesia, the Meraists, and the Church of the Great Mother. Plus she had two different mages try to dispel it. She even tried for a personal blessing from Lady Akkala — which was how we found out about it.

DANNI

Huh. And none of that stuff worked?

JESSUP

No! There's some seriously bad energy around this place. I was just trying to track down the source when you found me.

DANNI

And why didn't you just come to Ms. Sternikova and tell her you were here to help?

JESSUP

My commander told me to keep a low profile. He said that if people knew the Lightbringers were poking around, they'd panic. He's concerned, but he's not sure how serious it is yet.

SFX: Off stage, A WOMAN SCREAMS and there is a LOUD CRASH.

Danni and Jessup LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

DANNI

I think it just got serious.

BOTH EXIT.

SCENE 7. INT. AIRSHIP VALEMAR, AUDITORIUM.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Meanwhile, out in the auditorium, Rebecca had one of her visions.

REBECCA

Gasp! Daniel!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Sometimes it's really handy to have a partner who can see the future. Of course, it would've been more useful if Danni and I had known about it. With us backstage, she did the next best thing.

REBECCA

Evan! Evan, I need your help!

EVAN

(Camp Gay Mode)
Rebecca, sweetie! Have I told you how stunning you are in that dress? 'Cause I might've turned just a little bit straight when I saw you in it.

REBECCA

(frustrated)

E-van! This is serious!

EVAN

Oh, you don't have to tell me fashion is serious, sweet pea. I already know.

REBECCA

Rrrrgh!

Rebecca PUSHES INTO EVAN'S MIND.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

I keep telling Evan that he shouldn't piss off the stronger telepaths. You'd think he'd learn.

SFX: TELEPATHIC WHOOSHY-SPARKLY NOISE]

EVAN

(in his NORMAL BRITISH VOICE)
Gah! Could you at least knock before you barge into my mind like that?

REBECCA

There isn't time. Something's coming after Daniel and we have to stop it!

EVAN

"Coming after him"? What, don't tell me there actually IS a curse?

REBECCA

Not a curse, but there's something here, and it's really, really angry. And I think it's Ms. Sternikova's fault.

EVAN

Rebecca, dear, are you sure about this? I know your talent isn't exactly under your control.

SFX: WOMAN SCREAMING, followed by a LOUD CRASH.

REBECCA

I'm sure.

EVAN

Right. Come on — let's have a little chat with our favorite fashion designer.

__ SCENE 8. INT. BACKSTAGE ON THE AIRSHIP VALEMAR.__

DANIEL

(V.O.)

They found Ms. Sternikova near the backstage entrance. Evan handed the reins over to Eva for the interrogation.

Eva and Rebecca ENTER the back-stage area.

STERNIKOVA

(Speaking IN RUSSIAN to herself)
Боже мой. Что я сделалa? Что я сделалa? (Bo-zhe moy. Shtoh ya sdelala? Shtoh ya sdelala?)
Oh God., What have I done? What have I done?

EVA

Yulia, my dear! I think we need to discuss this little "curse" of yours.

REBECCA

And who you must've pissed off to get it.

STERNIKOVA

(in English)

Eva! Oh, Eva, what will I do? I am ruined!

EVA

Calm down, Yulia. Tell me what happened.

STERNIKOVA

There was … equipment malfunction. Stage lights fell on Bianca and Sven. Hit them on heads.

EVA

What, both at the same time?

STERNIKOVA

Da. I … have called ambulance…

REBECCA

That's not bad luck. That was an attack, wasn't it.

STERNIKOVA

…Da.

EVA

Who? And why?

JESSUP

(entering)

I think I have a theory about that.

Danni and Jessup ENTER.

EVA

Who the devil are you?

JESSUP

Agent Jessup, Lothanasi Order.

DANNI

You can call him Clyde.

Jessup GLARES at Danni.

JESSUP

(annoyed at Danni, but moving on)

The evidence suggests that this was an attack by a wild faery.

REBECCA

A faery? Since when do faeries care about fashion shows? (PAUSE) Not that there's anything wrong with that.

EVA

(ignoring Rebecca)
Why do you think it was a faery?

JESSUP

Because I was right here when the attack happened. If it had been a daedra, I would've sensed it. If it were a mage, the airship's spell alarms would've gone off. If it were a telekinetic, your spooky would've sensed him.

REBECCA

(offended)

Hey! I am not her spooky!

JESSUP

Faery magic is subtle and hard to detect, and most faeries can turn invisible. He's probably been sneaking around sabotaging things, making it look like an accident.

STERNIKOVA

(outburst, before she can control her anger)

(RUSSIAN) предательский мудак! (Predatelskee mydak!)
That treacherous little bastard!

Eva LOOKS HARD at Sternikova.

EVA

(patiently, but with quiet menace)

Interesting. Who's a treacherous little bastard, Yulia?

STERNIKOVA

(realizing that she's just given herself away)

Oh! Uh…

EVA

Forgot I speak your language, didn't you?

STERNIKOVA

(nervous)

Um … da. Is very uncommon here. When I came to this country, I said—

EVA

Don't change the subject, dear. Who did this to you?

REBECCA

Or what?

(PAUSE)

STERNIKOVA

I think … it is my domovoi.

DANNI

What's a domovoi?

JESSUP

An eastern house-faery. They're a bit like the brownies we have out here, but a lot stronger. And meaner, too, unless they like your family and decide to adopt you.

STERNIKOVA

(half to herself)

So strange. I never believed in domovoi, you know. I thought it was … was faery tale, made for babas to tell to little children. "Be good, children, or domovoi will punish you with bad luck." "Leave out bowl of milk for domovoi, and our cows will be healthy." "Give this offering, and domovoi will bless work of your loom and your spindle." Baba insisted, so I performed ritual just as she said. I never thought it would work.

REBECCA

So you've had some kind of faery blessing on the clothes you made?

EVA

Interesting. That would explain why the enchantment on her clothes is so fine. I've never seen better.

STERNIKOVA

(sourly)

I know. All my success is owed to him, his work, his Art. (PLAINTIVELY) I wanted people to see what I could do on my own! Something that was all from me! Something that was not … not his.

DANNI

Sounds like he didn't like that very much.

JESSUP

Faeries are big on holding grudges — especially when somebody doesn't hold up their end of a bargain. Ms. Sternikova, did you break your word to the domovoi? Promise him something and then not follow through?

STERNIKOVA

I … Domovoi said, "My blessing will be on you for as long as you dwell in my house." It was a very little house, in hills outside Cenziga (sen-ZEE-gah). Six months ago, I left. I knew I would give up the blessing, but I was ready to be on my own. I never dreamed he would do … this.

REBECCA

So what are we going to do? We can't leave him here to keep attacking people.

JESSUP

And killing him probably won't solve anything — faeries can come back from the dead, as long as people believe in them. Damn. I wish the commander were here. He'd know what to do.

DANNI

Well, you're a Lightbringer, right? You're supposed to keep the peace between humans and outsiders. Why don't you call him for a … what do you guys call those bargaining sessions?

JESSUP

A parley. But for that we'll probably have to catch him — trade him his freedom for Ms. Sternikova's. You can't get something for nothing with the Fae.

DANNI

All right. So let's trap him. You need iron to trap a faery, right?

JESSUP

Yes. Or running water works, too…

REBECCA

(very excited)

Oh! That gives me an idea!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

I love Rebecca dearly, but when her ideas sound like that, I get nervous.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Yep. But we were in the middle of it now, and there were a lot of innocent people who could still get hurt if we didn't do something.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

So even though it wasn't our business, even though we could have just walked away, we didn't.

DANNI

(V.O.)

It's possible we're suffering from a bit of White Knight Syndrome.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Speak for yourself. I enjoy every minute of it.

DANNI

(V.O.)

(dryly)

Uh huh. Like what happened during the second half of the show?
DANIEL

(V.O.)

Um … yeah. Right.

SCENE 9. INT. STERNIKOVA RUNWAY, AIRSHIP VALEMAR.

DANNI

(V.O.)

One of Sternikova's models for the second half was Sven, who was modeling some of the more masculine outfits. After he got hit in the head by a stage light, we had Daniel step in to replace him.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Walking onto that runway felt weird. All those people looking at me, taking pictures … I started worrying that my fly was open, or that I'd forgotten to brush my teeth.

DANNI

(V.O.)

You looked great, Daniel. Rebecca sure thought so.

Rebecca is LOOKING at Daniel's outfit.

REBECCA

Mrowr! I should take you right here, you gorgeous stud.

DANIEL

(amused)

I think the point is to keep the clothes on, sweetie.

REBECCA

(mock pouting)

Phooey.

DANIEL

Do you think the domovoi will take the bait?

REBECCA

The visions aren't totally clear, but I think so. The domovoi helped design this outfit, so it oughta be a good way to make him mad.

DANIEL

(sighing)

Just what I wanted to do today: make enemies with a faery.

SFX: Change in the BACKGROUND MUSIC

REBECCA

That's your cue! Go! Go!

DANNI

(V.O.)

Daniel walked out onto the runway, and he looked damned good doing it. I wish you all could see the pictures — that powder-blue suit with the slim cut and all those cool little frills on the edges.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

I still like Evan's suit better.

DANNI

(V.O.)

We've been over this, brother. White is NOT our color.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Meh. Anyway, everything was fine until I got to the end of the runway and stopped to pose. That's when the airship's fire alarms went off.

SFX: FIRE ALARM, followed by FALLING WATER

DANNI

(V.O.)

Airships are all fitted with emergency shower heads so they can stop a fire as soon as it starts. They put out a scary-huge amount of water.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Which fell on the me, the runway, the crowd, and everything else.

REBECCA

(shouting)

There he is! Look!

EVA

Gods! That man is melting!

JESSUP

That's no man.

The DOMOVOI enters, bitter and enraged. He speaks in a RUSSIAN ACCENT.

DOMOVOI

How dare you! You wear my clothes?! MY clothes?! We domovoi will not be mocked!

REBECCA

(urgently)

Agent Jessup, you said you could trap this thing. Whatever you're gonna do, do it!

JESSUP

Wait … just wait. He can't work any magic under all that running water…

EVA

Look out! He has a knife!

DOMOVOI

I will cut you into tiny pieces, you insolent southern dog!

REBECCA

"Insolent southern dog"?

EVA

I think it lost something in translation.

DANIEL

I don't think so, buddy. You want to dance? Let's dance.

DOMOVOI

RAAAAGH!

DANIEL

KIAI! Ha!

JESSUP

He disarmed him! He disarmed a faery!

REBECCA

(proud)

That's my Daniel. Kick his ass, D!

Daniel and the Domovoi STRUGGLE IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT. ("Ugh! Ha! Grr!" etc.)

JESSUP

Your boy's really good! That faery's a lot stronger, though…

REBECCA

Yeah? So do something about it!

JESSUP

Almost ready… There! Go shut off the water!

EVA

On my way…

Eva EXITS. Sternikova ENTERS.

DANNI

(V.O.)

We found the controls for the water shutoff before we started this gamble. As soon as the water stopped flowing, Ms. Sternikova made her move.

STERNIKOVA

Domovoi! Domovoi! Domovoi!

DOMOVOI

RAAGH! What do you want of me, you traitorous bitch!

STERNIKOVA

I bind you, Domovoi. With … ngh … this blood … and this iron, I bind you.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Daniel had been keeping the faery pretty busy, so he didn't notice that Sternikova had been walking around us in a circle, dropping nails as she went — or that she had taken his knife and cut herself to close the circle. It popped up around us like a glowing soap bubble, trapping the domovoi inside.

DOMOVOI

Nooo! Release me!

JESSUP

Well, that sounds like a great thing for us to talk about, Mister Domovoi.

DOMOVOI

Lightbringer!

JESSUP

Yup. Now, let's talk about a trade…

SCENE 10. INT. SOMMERS CELL APARTMENT.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

That was pretty much the end of it. Jessup bargained for Sternikova's freedom, sent the domovoi back to his house, and the rest of us all dried off and went on our way.

DANNI

(V.O.)

I kinda wish we'd gotten to see more of the show. I would've like to see what Sternikova could do without the faery's help.

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Well, I'm sure she's not going to give up her business. She's definitely not the type to quit when things get hard.

DANNI

(V.O.)

Oh! Speaking of things getting hard, tell 'em about Evan's data stick!

DANIEL

(V.O.)

Oh, yes. Well, the next day, Evan showed up at our apartment…

EVAN

Hello, Daniel. Rebecca.

REBECCA

(suppressing giggles)

Hey, Evan.

DANIEL

Please, come in.

EVAN

Much obliged.

DANIEL

So … how's business treating you? Keeping your clients happy?

EVAN

(not sure what's going on here)

Well, I haven't taken on any new clients yet, Daniel. It's only … eleven o'clock in the morning. Most of my business happens at night.

REBECCA

(giggles)

It sure does!

Evan LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THEM.

EVAN

Are you two feeling quite all right? I know it was a long night, but you seem…

Evan gets it.

EVAN

Oh, bloody hells. Please don't tell me you looked at the data stick.

Rebecca and Daniel GRIN.

EVAN

You looked at the data stick. Damn it to the Ninth, I told you that information was sensitive!

DANIEL

Apparently that's not the only thing that was sensitive.

REBECCA

(imitating a high-pitched woman in the throes of passion)

Oh, Evan! Do it! More! Harder!

DANIEL & REBECCA

(laugh)

EVAN

All right, that's enough!

Daniel and Rebecca STOP LAUGHING, but they're trying desperately to keep a straight face.

EVAN

Daniel, you know what I do for a living.

DANIEL

You mean besides boinking members of the nobility?

EVAN

(biting out the words)

It wasn't. Like. That. You git.
(SIGH) Look, I make a point of making friends in high places. Friends who might be able to do me a favor at some time down the road. Sometimes those friendships become … more.

REBECCA

So I guess it would mean big trouble for Lady Barnhardt if people knew she was having an affair.

EVAN

Yes. She doesn't need that kind of grief. So may I please have my data stick now?

DANIEL

(amused)

Okay, okay. Here you go. Just promise me one thing.

EVAN

What's that?

DANIEL

Next time, play straight with me. If I'm going to help out a friend in a potentially dangerous situation, I want to know all the facts first.

EVAN

That's fair. Done.

REBECCA

And if you make any more videos like this … can I have a copy? Because I think I speak for women everywhere when I say "MROWR".

DANIEL

Oh, wow, look at that. I've never seen Evan turn that color before.

EVAN

Good-bye, you two.

DANIEL & REBECCA

(cheerily)

Bye-bye!

EVAN

(muttering under his breath)

Telepaths. Nothing but trouble.

EXIT ALL

THE END

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